


Antinomic Dual in The Grieved Maze.

by Sechzehn



Category: Steins;Gate
Genre: F/M, Feels, OkaKuri, spoilers on Steins;Gate 0's ep. 8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-18 22:55:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14861886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sechzehn/pseuds/Sechzehn
Summary: Forced by the irony of fate to meet just to have to say goodbye again, Okabe and Kurisu are the antithetical variables trapped in a maze of suffering.- Part One - Makise Kurisu:  "Even if they love each other so desperately, the pain and the burden of their sins will never disappear[...]"- Part Two - Okabe Rintarō: "If their hands intertwined he wouldn't be able to let her go."





	1. Part One - Makise Kurisu.

**Author's Note:**

> These two short stories are born from a good crying session over the latest Steins;Gate 0 episode.  
> I got too many feels so I had to cope with them in some way.  
> It pains me to say that neither of them have been checked by someone who properly knows English (which, as you will surely notice, is not my native language) , so if you have any suggestions I'll gladly accept them!

The ways of fate are endless.

It's something that might look out of place in the mind of a rational person like her. The world has its own rules made of inescapable logic, so there shouldn't be any place for considerations about something as abstract as the concept of "fate".

It's somewhat weird. Recalling their first encounter - so absurd that she can't help smiling at the thought - she feels compelled to think about that word. Not because she thinks that their meeting is part of the will of fate - being so stupidly romantic it's not like her - but due to its consequences.

She would never have thought that, from that day, they'd become so... _essential_ for the other.

In that moment, as her fingers move swiftly across the keyboard, she grants themselves the privilege of indulging, even if just for an instant, into the past. A part of her wonders if that isn't just a way to hold off that inevitable farewell that is already weighing on their hearts.

She doesn't want to think about it. She doesn't want to commit the same, fatal mistake once again. It would only make everything unbearably difficult. This is why she musters all of her courage and, with a deep breath, decrees that it's to time to put an end to that bittersweet dream.

Okabe stares at her with his phone in his hands, trembling faintly. Once again, the fate of both her, Mayuri and the world itself lies in a simple key.

The face of her most important person withers in pain and, suddenly, tears threaten to fall from her eyes.

There's nothing she can do for him, she repeats to herself. Even if they love each other so desperately, the pain and the burden of their sins will never disappear, relentlessly eroding even the faintest light of happiness that that world on the edge of existence will be able to grant them.

There's nothing wrong with their feelings. It's the world itself that is at fault. Mayuri shouldn't have died. Okabe didn't have to suffer so much.

There's uncertainty in his golden eyes, the heartrending terror of the fact that he has to put an end to her existence once again.

She can't help him, she herself is the cause of his pain. She can't say anything, those feelings barely confined in her heart would overflow with another word.

If she told him that she loved him once more, if she said that she wanted time to slow down and almost come to a stop just to be with him for another single minute… what would he do?

Her lips stretch into a desperate smile.

"Okabe?"

The kindness in her own voice comes as a surprise even to her.

Their gazes meet. The familiar quiet rumbling of the PhoneWave marks each second of their goodbye.

The warmth of his lips fills her heart with nostalgia. The awareness of their farewell becoming real.

She doesn't want to say goodbye again. She doesn't want to let go. She wants to stay by his side forever.

But that's not the right choice.

A world without Mayuri's smile isn't worth living in, even if that means sacrificing herself. After all there will never exist something as an absolute justice.

Their simple pressing of lips becomes less uncertain. The desperate tenderness of their kiss makes her eyes burn and, suddenly, she is no longer able to fight back her tears.

_"I'm such… an hopelessly romantic"_ , she thinks as her hand grasps his. 

It's the first time they're so close since so long, but they won't dare to ask more. It's written in the unspoken words between the touching of their lips: if he held her like he did on that rainy day in the past they wouldn't be able to come back, the pain of having to part too strong to say goodbye.

Her finger wavers for on a moment on the "cancel" key.

_I know. There's no time to be selfish anymore. But, please, just a little bit longer…_

Kurisu smiles. Her face must be so sad as the warmth of Okabe's lips is slowly replaced by her burning tears.

She engraves in her hippocampus the tenderness of the love in his gaze to treasure it inside her heart even in a faraway worldline.

The future will change for sure. She is absolutely certain of it. He will open the door to that world which is still unseen, because there's nothing that her beloved Hōōin Kyōma isn't able to do. Even if one day those precious memories of the moments spent together will be rewritten, her heart will remember. It's not scientific at all, but that's what she needs to give herself some courage.

Her finger presses on "send".

"I'm so glad I met you."

"Goodbye", she mouths as the world is reconstructed. In a final, desperate gesture, Okabe's arms try to hold her figure, as if in doing so he would take her with him to a new world.

 

_"Could this be love? From the miraculous, fated meeting, we head towards that place--"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The quote in italics at the end of the story is from "Lyra", sung by the Japanese duo Zwei. It's the ED of the majority of the routes in the S;G 0 VN and the ending of episode 8 of the anime.
> 
> While it was known for representing Mayuri's feelings throughout the story, they decided that it was fun breaking my heart, so the 1st verse basically expresses Okabe and Kurisu's feelings during the episode, so check out the lyrics if you're curious! :3


	2. Part Two - Okabe Rintarō

If there’s a god, in this doomed world, it must have a twisted and cruel sense of humor. 

A presumptuous god that pulls the strings of time, determining happiness and pain of mankind. A god whose image is not reflected in the eyes of the people whose gaze is set on that clouded sky. A god that fulfills his deepest wishes just to sneer at the seconds that separate him from their expiration date. 

The Kurisu speaking to him is real. Just a while ago he felt the warmth of her hand as they exchanged, with the innocence of a child, a promise that he knows he won’t be able to keep. Her gaze is stern as her thin hands hold out his phone, a simple mail ready to be sent on its screen.

There isn’t a right choice. He can try again and again, losing even the last flicker of his sanity, but the fate that binds him to Mayuri and Kurisu won’t change, engraved on the very essence of the universe. 

Pressing a single key will determine their destiny. A key that can save an innocent life, the only ray of light in a dark, cold world fated to crumble on itself. A key that will take _her_ , his most important person, away from his arms. The woman whose sad eyes look at him, tearing his soul apart.

How can he kill her a second time? Why is there no other solution than having to choose?  
Why does she, his Kurisu, have to sacrifice herself just to grant him a shallow and fleeting happiness?

_“Because we both wish for Mayuri’s smile.”_

He can’t choose. It’s impossible for him to do so.

His body is paralyzed with horror. His fingers won’t move on the screen.

_“This nothing but a dream. You have to go back to reality.”_

The thought of losing her is so painful that it takes his breath away.

He doesn’t want to. He can’t. It’s _too much_.

“Okabe?”

Her voice is so sweet, so kind. It draws him like honey. For a second his eyes linger on that figure so dear to him. 

His mind goes blank for a moment just to be filled with the thought of her. The unforgettable warmth of her lips. Her scent. Her breath. Kurisu is there. Kurisu is real. Kurisu is kissing him with the same, desperate tenderness of the first time. Kurisu _loves_ him.

Kurisu. Kurisu. Kurisu.

He can’t help but wish to have the power to stop time and die like that, with their gentle brushing of lips.

There’s more confidence in their kiss, their gravities locked in an inescapable attraction. The awareness of the merciless flowing of time feeds his desperation.

Every fiber of his being lives for her, for her warmth, for the desire of holding her and tell her “I want to stay by your side forever”. But he can’t do that. If their hands intertwined he wouldn't be able to let her go.

Kurisu smiles. Her gaze is so sad that words die in his throat.

"I’m so glad I met you".

A part of him already knows. That kiss, those words, that simile… are her goodbye gift.

Even so, as vertigo strikes him and reality starts to change before his eyes, he feels the irrational urge to hold her and bring her with him to a new world where they’re together in that usual place, free to write their own destiny.

Kurisu’s simile is framed by her tears. Victim of her sweet trick, he can’t even say goodbye and desperately prays his hippocampus to engrave into his heart this last, wonderful vision of her.

A flicker of hope lights up in a distant future.

_“Now that I have met you, the world will change.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The quote in italics at the of the story is from "Hajimari No Uta" (Lit. "Song Of The Beginning") sung by Kanako Itou. It's an insert song of the single "Fatima" (the S;G 0 anime OP) and the lyrics (which I had to translate by myself, since no one cares about insert songs ;;) are awfully fitting for this moment...


End file.
